My Guide To Funemployment

I’ve been wanting to write this entry for a while, but I couldn’t really get it going and other things seemed more timely. I think the Universe was telling me to wait. ANYWAY. HERE IT IS. 

A JORDAN’S GUIDE TO FUNEMPLOYMENT. (I can't act like I came with this all on my own; it's a combo of my own experiences and good advice that was given to me by friends who had been where I was).

I spent most of the last year without a steady job. I freelanced and took some temp jobs, and accepted a job that I was super unhappy at, until I found my dream job. I’ve been there for three months and I’m so much happier and lighter and hopeful and healthier than I’ve been in years. However, getting there wasn’t easy.

Millennial unemployment is at a stagnant 12.8%, still. I’m not the only one in the group of my friends who was unemployed for six months or more. With that in mind; I decided to write my own personal guide to “funemployment”; should someone stumbling across this blog suffer the same fate.

Don’t be ashamed! 

- I spent most of the time I didn’t have a job being ashamed about not having a job, and that was ridiculous. I’ve had a job since I was 18, and I’m very much a Type A person. Not working killed me. But, the fact of the matter is, shit happens. I left my job, because I was so stressed it was making me physically ill, and fighting for a job that I hadn’t been happy with and wouldn’t grow in, wasn’t worth it anymore. Quit or be fired, and I decided to leave on my own terms; no one puts baby in a corner and all of that. It didn’t make me any less ashamed. Millennials are the most educated, least employed generation. I was not a special snowflake, and I spent many a day anxious and in bed, when I could have been knitting or reading or something else. Should you find yourself “funemployed”; take it seriously, but try not to beat the shit out of yourself. The economy has done that for you.

Apply for benefits.

-And do it the second you know you won’t have a job. Don’t blow through what savings you might have. I did that, and I would regret it, if I believed in that type of regret. I was ignorant to unemployment benefits and assumed I wouldn’t qualify; even though I did. Find the paperwork (if you live in CA, it’s all online), and fill it out. Even if you don’t qualify all you’ve lost is the few hours it took to fill it out. It’s better to have it than to struggle without it. Even if it’s confusing to you, one of your friends probably knows how to fill it out; see my stats about unemployment rates in our generation.

Ask for help!

-I leaned on my friends and I leaned on them hard in the last year. I needed them. A friend is the one who told me I definitely qualified for unemployment and taught me how all of that works. Friends slid me money so I wouldn’t rack up a ton of credit card debt. Friends took me out and talked me down, when I was really starting to lose it. Friends told me about openings at their jobs, or pointed me to good listings - -one of my friends told me about builtinla.com, which led to the job that finally got me out of my unemployment rut.

Get up and get dressed every day. EVERY. DAY.

-Make a schedule for yourself. It will help you stay afloat mentally and emotionally, and it you will not hate yourself when you finally start working again and are on someone else’s time. I was out of works for nine months, of course I had runs where I stayed in the same gross pajamas for days at a time and slept most of the day away. However, those were not my good days and they lead to more not good days. Even if you just change out of pajamas and into yoga pants, the way I did most of the time; going through the motions makes it easier for your to be productive and spend your time wisely, rather than wallowing in the self-pity, and there will probably be self-pity.

Read.

-Even if it’s not your favorite thing to do; it’s still worth it. Plus, there are a lot of hours in the day that need to be filled. Work usually takes up 8.5 hours of our day, without drive time. Pick up a book, a comic, a magazine, and get to it. Learn new things. Read the classics. Get out of your own world, and your head. It was way cooler to pretend I was in the Slytherin common room, than remember I was spending another damned day in my own living room.

Take your pet for a walk. Better yet, take a friend for a walk. Go for walks in general.

-Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Working out is also really good for your body. I’m a rather fit person, and the change from working in a retail location where I walked about six miles back and forth the store all day, to sitting at a computer, added to all of the stress eating I was doing meant I couldn’t fit into my jeans in January. I started working out every morning. It gave me a purpose, it made me happy, and I was able to fit back into my jeans relatively shortly; which was great, because I couldn’t afford new pants—I didn’t have a steady job. Explore your neighborhood. Work out in the park around the corner. God, I wish Pokèmon Go had been released when I wasn’t working. 

Happy hour. 

-I need not explain. Don’t drown your sorrows, but even when money is lean, a three dollar beer is a nice option.

What luxuries do you “need”?

-Obviously, there are somethings you’re going to need to cut out if you’re not bringing in the same amount of money you were when you were working. I stopped getting my hair done regularly, because it was too expensive to keep up. I never had Hulu, but rather than paying for it, I signed up for a free week long trial with every e-mail address I own. I ended my gym membership with 24 Hour Fitness (because it was 10 miles away and too expensive) and starting working out at home in the park, until Planet Fitness (which was 5 miles away and 40$ cheaper) had their beginning of the year sale, when I got a 10$ monthly membership. I waited longer in between getting my nails done, if I got them done at all. I did my own hair and make-up for a wedding I was in, rather than pay for the stylist. I bargained shopped and learned how to coupon. But, I did’t give up Netflix, or Disneyland. That was 60$ a month, when money was already thin, but those are two things that bring me more happiness than I can describe, so I held onto them. They make me feel like me, and during a time when I wasn’t really feeling myself I needed something. I also splurged on a few concert tickets. Even if it meant I had to get cheaper cuts of meat at the market. I knew it would be worth it, and something to help me keep some sense of normalcy. Besides; six months down the road and I can tell you every detail about seeing Good Charlotte at The Troubadour in November, and The Academy Is at Chain Reaction in December. Can I tell you what I ate those months? Soup, probably. I don’t fucking know. Moviepass is only 20$ a month and it lets you see as many movies as you want a month (but not multiples on the same day). You might need that when you're not working.

Catch up on a TV show you've heard about but always skipped out on. 

-I had never watched Parks and Recs before last year. I’ve now seen every episode about five times. It’s one of my favorite shows and one of the funniest fucking shows I’ve ever seen. I watched all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer again. I’ve seen hella episodes of Maury. Grey’s Anatomy? I can quote the whole series. Lifetime plays at least three episodes a day. It’s the same as the reading.

Pick up old hobbies again; crochet, learn an instrument.

-I started playing guitar and piano again. Am I good? Not really. I’m not even as good as I used to be, which wasn’t very good. But, I’m back into it. I started thinking about High School and how many hobbies I had back then and all of the things I used to do, and some of them I started again. You might realize you stopped because you hated them, or you might end up making everyone scarves for the holidays. 

CALL YOUR MOTHER!

-Unless you have a crap ass, abusive family; your family cares about you. Let them show it. 

Hone your craft.

-I’m a writer. I wrote. Anything. I just wrote. I wrote like I was Alexander Hamilton. And it paid off. I started this blog. This blog helped my prove my strength as a writer and sell myself at the interview for the job I currently have and love, where I get to write all day. If you draw, then draw. If you code, code. Whatever that thing that you do and are awesome at, do it. You finally have the time to.

Think about what you really want.

-I’m an introspective person. I thought a lot about what I wanted out of my future, and what kind of job I wanted, if I wanted a traditional job at all. What kind of schedule did I want to be on? What city did I want to work in? Eventually live in? Did I want to freelance forever? What the hell did I want?

Think about why you want it.

-When I finally found an answer; did I want these things for security? Because it was expected of me? Did I really think it would make me feel happy and fulfilled? 

Make up a dream week.

-If you had your way, what would you do Mon-Sun and how do you go from where you are now, to there?

Apply for jobs.

-Duh. I saved this one for last though, because I really think it’s it’s important to do the other stuff and have all of those experiences and thoughts rolling around, so you apply to the right jobs. I thought I wanted to be a substitute teacher, until I was far into the hiring process and realized that it was a TERRIBLE fit for me, and I knew that, because I had and was doing all of the above. I thought I wanted to work four tens, UNTIL I DID IT AND REALIZED IT SUCKS. I thought I really liked the west side of LA, until I drove down there and realized how much it’s changed in the past few years! Having a bunch of experiences and a clear vision helped me apply not just for jobs, but for the right jobs, until I found one that’s been a perfect fit. If you’re spending 40 hours a week there; it might as well be something you really dig, as well as financing your lifestyle. 

My job now gives me all of the things I wanted; to work with strong women, to be able to dress up for work, a set (but flexible) schedule, I get to write, I can listen to music at my desk, I’m working with fast fashion AND pop culture, my commute is easy (even if it’s far), it influences youth, AND it’s civic minded. I’m still not living my dream week, but that’s because I haven’t tweaked things on my end; not because it isn’t possible. 

Don’t forget about any of this when you finally get a job! I keep calling it “funemployment”, because I think you should find a way to have fun with it and make it your own. And why should you stop having fun when you get a job? Quite the opposite. You have the money, so you should be having more fun. Keep the good habits you’ve built and create a strong work/life balance.

Until next time, xo! 

Daddy Issues

I'm still 13 years old sitting on a couch waiting for a man who doesn't want me. Sounds weird when you say it out loud, but it's true. My parents split up when I was a kid. He would come around and promise he'd be a real dad and we'd spend time together and then he would never show. I sat on the couch in our living room in my favorite outfit from 11am until the sun went down waiting for him to show and I'm still waiting.

Only I’m 28 now, and it’s not him, and it’s not lunch; it’s a cute boy with blue eyes, and I’m waiting on a text message, waiting to make our relationship official, or waiting for it all to blow up in my face.

Sometimes I feel like an archaeologist in my own life, bumbling around, looking at my own past, trying to figure out how to got to be the way I am now. What if the one that got away was your father?

People joke about girls with ‘daddy issues’ all the time, but if you haven’t lived it, then you probably don’t realize there’s nothing funny about it at all. 

No Doubt released Return of Saturn in 2000. They were (and still are, to some extent) my favorite band. I knew Gwen wrote “Home Now” about her tumultuous relationship with Gavin Rosedale. All I could think about when I listened to it was my absent father. I cried buckets listening to “Home Now”, wishing I had a real father.

I'm hanging out // With me // And you're a vacant chair // A chosen compromise // This space we rarely share // And if you lived here you'd be home now // So what you givin' up for me? // And what shall I give up for you? // Aimless expectations passing by // If you lived here you'd be home now // If you lived here you'd be home now // And to make it // Real // I need to have you here // I need to have you // I need to hold you // Barren wasted heart // Neglect of normalcy // And if you lived here you'd be home now // Oh if you lived here you'd be home now // And to make it real // I need to have you here // I need to have you // It can't be sincere // Unless you spend time here // I need to see you // Supervision is what I need // Is what I need // Some consistence, tangibility // Some casual light days // Part of the furniture // I want to take you for granted // And see you regular // So what you givin' up for me? // And what shall I give up for you? // The separations tired, it's been too long // And to make it real // I need to have you here // I need to have you // It can't be sincere // Unless you spend time here // I need to see you // I need you // Come home now

I fired my father a year later. He had promised to come pick me up for lunch, and I sat on the couch all day. Literally all fucking day. From morning, because I was so excited at the prospect of being able to tell my dad about my school, my friends, my dreams, my hopes, my ambitions, so he could get to know me, to afternoon when he was supposed to show up for lunch, to evening when it was well past lunch time. Where the fuck was he? What was more important than me? Did he forget? Was I forgettable? Did I just not matter? I wrote him an e-mail the next day. I was done. I had spent too many afternoons like that. All of my friends had been at the mall taking glamour shots after choir practice, and on Monday they’d ask me how had lunch with my dad been, and tell me how they had missed me, and I wouldn’t have an answer for them. I was over it. 

Except, I wasn’t. I’m not. I don’t give a shit about him anymore. But, I’m still waiting.

When I was 16 and he and my mother finally divorced; he was the one who filed. He was the one who claimed a minor child on the divorce paperwork. And when he was told he owed child support that minor child; he was the one who attempted to legally disown me. I only mattered until the stakes were raised.

I can’t raise the stakes in a relationship. I’m too frightened. A 16 year old thinks they know it all. They don’t realize they’re still growing and they will carry these scars as they grow. 

I feel like a shitty person admitting any of this. My mom is the bees fucking knees and the best parent a kid could have asked for (even if she confiscated my CD player a bunch of times). I had quite a few father figures; my uncles, my brothers, Dave, Tony. I am such a loved person.

But…

When it takes longer than 15 minutes for me to get a text back, I start to wonder.  Where the fuck is he? What’s more important than me? Did he forget? Am I forgettable? Do I just not matter? 

I never want to ask “what is this?” in reference to our relationship. I don’t want to actually bring up making things official, moving in together, marriage, and kids…if I raise the stakes he’ll run. It’s what I was taught about myself and my value from my father. 

The first time I heard "A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son" by Sleeping With Sirens I was a mess of tears all over again.

I have to remind myself that I know how to form and maintain healthy relationships with men. My brothers, my uncles, Dave, Tony, my friends. Thank God for my friends. For Cobain who always calls me his best friend. For Richard, who didn’t talk to me for five months, and then squashed it, because we both knew it was dumb. For Louie, who didn’t let my Disneyland pass expire last year when I just couldn’t afford it. I have to remind myself that I’m an adult and I can’t excuse my poor behavior in relationships on other people and I have to be held accountable. I have to remind myself that I had examples of healthy relationships in my life.

But, my heart still starts to pound when it takes longer than an hour for me to receive a reply. But, I’ve just stopped talking to guys all together, because I was too scared to tell them about how I felt, and I just made things that much fucking worse between us. 

Sometimes I feel like an archaeologist in my own life, bumbling around, looking at my own past, trying to figure out how to got to be the way I am now. Mostly, I feel like a mad scientist, trying to sew myself back together and turn myself into something better. 

Heres to the girls who’s hearts were broken by a man long before any boy got ahold of it.
Heres to the girls who believe that they can’t be loved because the one man who was supposed to always love them didn’t.
Heres to the girls who can’t stay in a relationship because all they were ever taught was how to leave one.
Heres to the girls who are in an abusive relationship and don’t know it because it’s what they grew up seeing.
Heres to the girls who can’t trust men because the man they were supposed to always be able to count on left. 
Heres to the girls who are scared to have kids because they never want their kids to face the same pain they had to endure.
Heres to the girls who refuse to say they have a dad because all their father ever was is a man who helped create them.

-Tumblr wisdom

2011

It's summer of 2012. Frank Ocean's Channel Orange has just dropped. My fruit stand fam and I are obsessed. It's on repeat every single day in the back room. Four years later and we're still down with each other and still Frank Ocean obsessed. Frank Ocean was asked to explain his current situation to his past self. And then my fruit stand fam started doing it. And it's been a trip. It makes you truly see how far you've come. It's funny to have watched each other glo' up, and to take that ride again.

So, without further ado...

Damn, Jordan of '11. You just started working at Apple a few months ago. You start grad school in a few weeks. A lot happens in between where you are then and who I am today. You love your job at Apple. You definitely get promoted to FRS, and before Christmas. It's a challenge, but you don't back down. I don't know how you do it, but you work a full time job (yeah, you get promoted to full time too), while taking a full load of grad school classes and you don't even have a car, so you're riding the bus every day. That doesn't last. You learn how to drive and get your license (it takes a few tries)! And you buy a brand new car without any help from anyone! That guy likes you back. You're going to find out that most of them do, they're just even more awkward than you are. I'm not going to tell you what happens with him, you just have to live it. Enjoy it. You finish grad school with honors (you have one shitty semester, but that's not notated on your degree so no one cares). Working at Apple helps you get over a lot of your shyness and you start singing in front of people more often. You even get a keytar! (It's a graduation present). You learn how to ride a bike AND how to swim, all during the same summer. You even get a little fitness obsessed. You have a gym membership. Weird, right? You drop a few dress sizes and can do ten pull ups at your strongest. You go, girl! You grow up a lot. A LOT. Lots of your friends get married and have babies. It's pretty cool. You aren't and you don't...yet. The people you meet at Apple are going to be some of the best people you've ever met; lifelong friends. You learn a lot about yourself, and relationships.  You have the coolest group of girlfriends you cosplay with! You're the healthiest you've ever been; mentally, emotionally, and physically. Turning 25 isn't as scary as you make it out to be. In fact, at 28 you're the best you've ever been. You leave Apple after four years, so you don't get the plaque, but it's for the best. You actually start a blog. You're not internet famous, but you have over 1k twitter followers. Cool, right? Hey, remember how you were kind of a hipster in 2011? Of course you do. Well, that doesn't last. You're scene AF again. So scene, you work at Hot Topic HQ now. Talk about a lifelong dream. You go to a lot of shows, your Disneyland pass doesn't expire, you get more tattoos, more piercings, and you're actually...happy. Weird, right? Hang in there, kid. (PS. lay off the beer and don't dye your hair blonde). 

It's 2011 me, and Frank's letter.

Rock on.

Thoughts About Things & The August Playlist

Comparison is the thief of joy...

I had a really...uncomfortable thing after I published the Warped Tour post. I got a visit from the fraud police. You know the fraud police? The shitty voices that lie to you about everything you're not? "You're not a real writer. Why would anyone want to see your Warped photos? You're not a photographer. Why do you even have this blog? No one reads it. You should just stop." It was pretty bad. However, I sort of understand why. I've been a little guilty and a little upset with myself for slacking. 

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to, or I feel I should. I started a new job (my dream job) at the end of May, and while adjusting to all the things that come with a (good) new job (new routine, new commute, new friends, new schedule, new professional goals), I also dove headfirst into a summer jam packed with festivals, conventions, vacations, nights out, etc. . I didn't even think about writing. Before last week I hadn't even journaled since late June. I was deep in a no writing slump, when my therapist asked me, "How come you haven't been writing?" I gasped and avoided and made excuses. There are other, less pretty, reasons why I haven't been writing. I was also pretty bummed (http://www.lambertraa.com/blog/2016/6/14/ugh-what-is-this-world). And then, the fucking fraud police and the thief of joy that is comparison. 

I honestly, started to feel like I wasn't cut out for blogging/youtubing/media making.  While I don't want to be a cookie cutter blogger (https://lambertraa.squarespace.com/config/pages/528d2ff4e4b06e6e83ecaa4d), I was really feeling like I wasn't good enough to be a blogger at all. I looked at other people's blogs and youtube channels and while I don't want to do what they're doing, I was envious they were doing it at all. My large Instagram and Twitter following weren't translating to blog views. I wasn't happy with the quality of my photos, the inconsistency with which I was posting, the lack of videography in my life; I felt stagnant and like it was my fault, because the talent wasn't there. And it was very easy to wrap myself up in my new corporate life and put that part of myself aside. Except when it wasn't. I am a creative, talented person. And if I don't feed that side of myself, then things get weird, and I become unhappy. Futhermore, this blog reaches about a thousand completely organic views a month, which might not sound like a large number, but I don't advertise AT ALL. I do all of this 100% on my own, in my living room. 

I'm ordering a new planner tomorrow, and a few blogging books. I want to set out a calendar and plan posts better. I've talked to some friends and am working on setting up some shoots for both scripted and unscripted content for my youtube channel. I even started working on my short story collection again. Losing your motivation is weird. Regaining it is an even weirder process. I re-read a few books that I love. I re-read my own work. I looked at my old lists and life plans. I was honestly re-motivated by my friends. One of my best friends recently graduated with her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, and also runs a kick ass lifestyle/beauty blog. One of my awesome co-workers sits next to me forty hours a week and is also a baker. The other runs and etsy shop, and her husband runs a record label outside of this full time job. Multiple friends of mine have finished full length albums while working more than one job. My oldest brother is a full time radio personality and is going back to school to finish college this fall. I had to remind myself, ARTISTS WORK 4O HOURS A WEEK. ARTISTS ARE ALSO LIKE ICEBERGS. Everyone sees the success, but no one sees the struggle. Issa Rae didn't up and get an HBO show out of thin air, she was making Awkward Black Girl on basically no budget five years ago. I, not only, can be 100% happy with my office job, but I can also be a great independent writer. In fact, I have to be both, because if I don't shit gets weird in my brain. When I was working at the fruit stand the idea was that art was the way out of the daily grind hustle, it never felt like it was possible to have both. When I finally found a job where I was happy; I thought maybe art could be pushed aside because I was finally happy at work. I have finally realized it's totally both and it's feels so much better. 

Well. This turned out way longer than I intended it to be. I guess you can consider it my apology to you and me for taking an extended summer break and not writing and shit. Two steps forward, two steps back. Life is a cha cha.

The next post is going to be one I've been thinking about for a while, and was pretty important to the inception of this blog.

Have a playlist. xo

-Jordan