Comparison is the thief of joy...
I had a really...uncomfortable thing after I published the Warped Tour post. I got a visit from the fraud police. You know the fraud police? The shitty voices that lie to you about everything you're not? "You're not a real writer. Why would anyone want to see your Warped photos? You're not a photographer. Why do you even have this blog? No one reads it. You should just stop." It was pretty bad. However, I sort of understand why. I've been a little guilty and a little upset with myself for slacking.
I haven't been writing as much as I'd like to, or I feel I should. I started a new job (my dream job) at the end of May, and while adjusting to all the things that come with a (good) new job (new routine, new commute, new friends, new schedule, new professional goals), I also dove headfirst into a summer jam packed with festivals, conventions, vacations, nights out, etc. . I didn't even think about writing. Before last week I hadn't even journaled since late June. I was deep in a no writing slump, when my therapist asked me, "How come you haven't been writing?" I gasped and avoided and made excuses. There are other, less pretty, reasons why I haven't been writing. I was also pretty bummed (http://www.lambertraa.com/blog/2016/6/14/ugh-what-is-this-world). And then, the fucking fraud police and the thief of joy that is comparison.
I honestly, started to feel like I wasn't cut out for blogging/youtubing/media making. While I don't want to be a cookie cutter blogger (https://lambertraa.squarespace.com/config/pages/528d2ff4e4b06e6e83ecaa4d), I was really feeling like I wasn't good enough to be a blogger at all. I looked at other people's blogs and youtube channels and while I don't want to do what they're doing, I was envious they were doing it at all. My large Instagram and Twitter following weren't translating to blog views. I wasn't happy with the quality of my photos, the inconsistency with which I was posting, the lack of videography in my life; I felt stagnant and like it was my fault, because the talent wasn't there. And it was very easy to wrap myself up in my new corporate life and put that part of myself aside. Except when it wasn't. I am a creative, talented person. And if I don't feed that side of myself, then things get weird, and I become unhappy. Futhermore, this blog reaches about a thousand completely organic views a month, which might not sound like a large number, but I don't advertise AT ALL. I do all of this 100% on my own, in my living room.
I'm ordering a new planner tomorrow, and a few blogging books. I want to set out a calendar and plan posts better. I've talked to some friends and am working on setting up some shoots for both scripted and unscripted content for my youtube channel. I even started working on my short story collection again. Losing your motivation is weird. Regaining it is an even weirder process. I re-read a few books that I love. I re-read my own work. I looked at my old lists and life plans. I was honestly re-motivated by my friends. One of my best friends recently graduated with her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, and also runs a kick ass lifestyle/beauty blog. One of my awesome co-workers sits next to me forty hours a week and is also a baker. The other runs and etsy shop, and her husband runs a record label outside of this full time job. Multiple friends of mine have finished full length albums while working more than one job. My oldest brother is a full time radio personality and is going back to school to finish college this fall. I had to remind myself, ARTISTS WORK 4O HOURS A WEEK. ARTISTS ARE ALSO LIKE ICEBERGS. Everyone sees the success, but no one sees the struggle. Issa Rae didn't up and get an HBO show out of thin air, she was making Awkward Black Girl on basically no budget five years ago. I, not only, can be 100% happy with my office job, but I can also be a great independent writer. In fact, I have to be both, because if I don't shit gets weird in my brain. When I was working at the fruit stand the idea was that art was the way out of the daily grind hustle, it never felt like it was possible to have both. When I finally found a job where I was happy; I thought maybe art could be pushed aside because I was finally happy at work. I have finally realized it's totally both and it's feels so much better.
Well. This turned out way longer than I intended it to be. I guess you can consider it my apology to you and me for taking an extended summer break and not writing and shit. Two steps forward, two steps back. Life is a cha cha.
The next post is going to be one I've been thinking about for a while, and was pretty important to the inception of this blog.
Have a playlist. xo
-Jordan