Honesty and Authenticity

I've been struggling with the blog since it came back. I'm not even going to lie. Trying to get a schedule together for all of the "themed" posts I have planned, getting photos taken, finding the time and inspiration to write. I'm not saying I've lost my passion; not at all. I think about this blog 24/7. I love it. I want it to blow up. I want it to be the punkrawk Goop. But, Gwenyth Paltrow has a team of minions and millions; and I'm "blogging on a budget" outside of my full time job. Poor me. I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. I'm just saying; it isn't easy. Anyone else who has a passion job knows they aren't easy. And I've been struggling. I found the time to sit down this weekend and re-work the schedule in a way that makes sense to me. I did a bombass photo shoot two weekends ago; and I'm brainstorming so I can book my next one soon and be AHEAD of my own curve. 

I've also struggled with what to post and how to post it. How honest should I be? What should I write about and what should I keep to myself? The post I wrote last week glossed over a few things; I left out the hours long crying jag I had to Zayn Malik's newest single the day before, because of...reasons. I mean, authenticity is my brand...BUT...I'm really weird and embarrassing. What do I reveal and when? This isn't just something I worry about with blogging; it's something that haunts me in "real" life all of the time. I'm a naturally honest and blunt person.  It's something I'm known for. I'm opinionated and loud and brash. It's been my thing since high school. In fact, over Memorial Day weekend I ran into an old classmate who said I was the "loud" one in our school days. While I like to think I've gained a better sense of discernment in the past ten years and am a bit more chill; I still stand for being honest. It's hardcoded into who I am. My mother raised me to mean "yes" when I say "yes, to mean "no" when I say "no", and to stand behind my words and actions. That said, there's a difference between lying and just choosing what you say to whom and when. One that I have a hard time with.

I've stated before this blog is going to be reflection and deconstruction of my life; and I suppose that means the ugly parts too. One of my biggest gripes with social media is that it lets people pick and choose and only play their highlight reel; leaving the rest of us to compare and judge a false image and come to bad conclusions. That's not what this blog is. At least, it shouldn't be. While I miss my live journal, and my older days on Tumblr (I've been Tumblin' since 2011 and boy oh boy, were there some old scorchers on there that told waaaaayyyy too much of my business); I don't think I need to expose all of my dirty laundry here. However; there are certain topics that I'd like to speak about, that if I told the whole story, exactly as it happens...well, there are some people who I frankly wouldn't want reading it. BUT. One of my best posts told the truth of the story, made me feel vulnerable and exposed in a way I never had before on this blog, and helped other people. And my biggest motivation for writing beyond the personal growth and healing it brings me, is for the growth and healing of others. It's a very clever balancing out I've got play here; a fine tight rope walk. Perhaps that's another reason I've got a high rope walker tattooed on my arm; it's a theme in my life. 

This isn't what I sat down to write and post, but it's what was on my mind and in my heart. So here it is. 

Until next time. Covfefe. xo.

June Seventh

It's the night before my birthday.

My birthday has always been a big deal - - I was my mom's miracle daughter, was born on my Grandfather's birthday, and my family doesn't really do holidays, so birthdays were IT. I've always loved my birthday; I love attention, I love the idea of having day all about me. However, from 25-28 it didn't feel the same. My 25th birthday was absolutely one of the saddest days of my life. 26, 27, and 28 were much better days, but there always a bit of hollow hidden beneath my happiness. Birthdays were reminders that time wasn't stopping and all of the ways I've fallen short of where I thought I'd be by now. On the night before my 29th birthday, I can say that I'm looking forward to tomorrow in a way that I haven't in years. My 20s are ending. I remember my 19th birthday like it was yesterday. I spent the night in West Hollywood, driving around with my best friend listening to Marilyn Manson until the sun came up. That naive, weird, girl has grown into a woman that she wouldn't believe was her if they met. The past 10 years have been a wild ride. 25-28 were the most difficult years I've ever lived through. As I think about what 29 and my 30s will bring; I realize I haven't fallen short, I just took a necessary detour along the way.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to dance my ass off while my favorite DJ spins a night of only Prince songs in Hollywood and wait for midnight.

Where The Hell Was I?

Hey, howdy, hey. I basically took four months off from blogging, and I know you're all wondering where the fuck I was. I'm trying to figure out where the fuck I was. As I promised, a lot of it was taking time off to de-stress and restructure the blog; I've already gotten such good feedback about the new layout! I was kinda busy as fuck. Life happened. 

Well, let's start with the current socio-political climate. It's not easy. It isn't. I'd be a big fat liar if I said it wasn't having an effect on my mental health. I feel fucking exhausted all of the time. Going on twitter, one of my favorite pastimes, is a fucking minefield. WHAT DID HE DO NOW?? WHAT CRAZY LAW GOT PASSED?? WHAT PERSON THAT LOVE IS AT RISK NOW?? It's tiring as fuck. It's angry-making. It's time consuming. Texting and sending postcards to representatives, and voting in special elections, and ranting on Facebook. I know it sounds a little ridiculous (at least I think it does); but there are way too many unknowns now. Hilary was supposed to win, I'd get married, get a promotion at work, I'd pop out a kid right before her second term, and life would predictably move on. But now, do I want to have kids in a world like this? Will my fake husband be sent off to the Gulag for his interracial marriage? Will my company survive this economic downturn long enough to promote me? Will they start redlining again and prevent me from owning a home in a desirable neighborhood? Who the fuck knows? Maybe this lingering cold I've had for the last week is a preexisting condition... You know what I mean?

I saw AFI the night of the inauguration and it made me things feel...great. Hopeful. Emotional. Fun. I met three amazing new friends that night. Shoutout to Grace, Elizabeth, and Ashley. I ran into quite a few old friends. And the love of my life. It felt like being at home and around people who love me after a a shitty as break up. Years when AFI produce new music always mean a lot to me. I saw them two more times at their back to back shows at the Wiltern and they unearthed two of my favorite songs that weekend; God Called in Sick Today and Totalimmortal. If you have the chance to see them live, go do it. Just, do yourself the favor. Best live show around, hands down. 

A dear friend of mine, Ben Grey of Dear Boy (who I've talk about on the blog before) played a beautiful acoustic show at the Hotel Cafe, where he debuted a new song that is probably my new favorite all time, called "Die". It was a lovely and inspiring evening. I went home and wrote four new songs the following week. Yes, I write songs. No, you will never hear them.

I met this awesome artist named Trevor Friedrich and I posed for him. It was a totally rad, life-changing, affirming experience. I've very open about that fact that I battle with my self-image, but posing totally made me feel empowered and tough and sexy. I have a weird relationship with my body and the body in general; I think they're awesome and amazing and beautiful and yet completely mundane. Everyone has one. I don't understand why we hide them. I mean, I do. The Christian Patriarchy. But it's not something I believe in. The body needs to be revered, worshiped, and also de-mystified. I'm starting with myself. Trevor's work is amazing. I don't have words to describe it. He captured my body in a way that was far more honest and vulnerable than a photograph. He's a really fantastic and talented artist. Check out his Insta. 

I started hosting a podcast. Hanging with the Guys! My buddy Ace, who I've known for 15 years, and I literally just record ourselves hanging out. It's rather awesome. You have to listen to it to understand it, but while being almost the same in personality, Ace and I are complete opposites and have a great podcasting chemistry. 

I went to my first ever Lucha Va Voom. Lucha Va Voom is a combination burlesque show/wrestling event that happens every few months in Los Angeles and it is one of the best live events I've ever been to. If you like wrestling and you like burlesque, do yourself a favor and go to Lucha Va Voom. Did I mention that all of the matches are called by comedians? The wrestlers enter the arena in classic cars? There's music and maybe even a drag performance? It is AMAZING. I can't wait to go to another.

We all know my theme park allegiance is to Disneyland, but I started going to Universal Studios Hollywood more often (after having a pass for almost nine months), and I've actually come to love it. I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I really love The Simpsons; so Springfield fills with me a childlike glee I can't describe. And of course, Hogsmeade. HOGSMEADE. Butterbeer has a bit too much sugar though, definitely split it with someone. I will warn anyone who hasn't been in a while; if you're prone to motion sickness you might want to take Dramamine beforehand. Very few of their rides rely on practical effects; there's way more 3D video stuff happening in this park and it can definitely make you sick.

I've been adding to my tattoo collection in the past few months. I've gotten four or five rather large and beautiful pieces. It's my hope to have a full arm and leg sleeve within the next two years or so. I won't talk about what I've gotten at length here though; as I plan to do a series of tattoo diary posts. 

I went blonde! I actually really liked it. My forays with blonde hair as a younger person were disasters, but the honey she I found this time worked and I felt like a golden goddess. I'll be changing it soon, though. 

I had my aura photographed by Halo Aurographic. The photo is lovely and it made me feel really in tune with myself and who I am at my core. 

I saw Yellowcard on their last tour ever, and it was totally worth it. I didn't realize how big of a Yellowcard fan I am. I probably saw a few more shows that I can't remember at the moment. Y'all know that's my number one past time. 

I worked. I worked a lot. But I love my job, so even the rough days were totally worth it! AND, while I was toiling away at my desk, All Time Low, Kevin Smith, R2-D2 and Lynn Gunn of PVRIS all happened to be in the building for various reasons. And the gorgeous and talented Lynn Gunn, who I totally have a crush on, gave me a donut and called me pretty. 

When We Were Young, a nostalgia fest, happened for the first time in Orange County. I have really mixed feelings about nostalgia fests. On the one hand, I get to see my bands. On the other hand, the crowds are usually shit and full of people who are just there because it's the thing to do. This festival was no different. I also really don't like The Observatory as an outdoor festival venue. This fest loaded the best bands on the first day, which was actually ok? Because I was exhausted on day two and barely had to rally? I just showed up late and saw the three bands I wanted to see at night and then went home. AFI's set was brutal that weekend! It was so good! AND I saw Morrissey for the first time ever and you better believe I cried my eyes out. If I never ever hear another Cage the Elephant song again in my life, I'll be really happy. I also almost got into two fights that weekend. Totally successful weekend. 

I, of course, did more Disneyland days. I participated in my first Spring Dapper Day and wow! Everyone was so cute and so kind! I can't wait to do more. 

Dreamcar, the band made of all the members of No Doubt that aren't Gwen Stefani and Davey Havok, released their first album and went on a short tour, and I was lucky enough to see them in San Diego and at their record release in Long Beach. I'm so in love. My two favorite bands got together and made a new band that's heavily influenced by my favorite genre of all time, '80s New Wave. It's basically all I've been listening to in the car. 

I went to RenFaire this year, and had the time of my life. I love festivals and fairs, and any chance to dress up in a costume. I particularly like places where everyone is there to have a good time and they leave their bullshit at the door. RenFaire is one of those places. I also ran into one of my heroes, and my older sister in my head, Rosario Dawson that day.

Most recently, I got pulled over and for the first time got a traffic ticket. It was low-key traumatic. 

What else? What else? Lots of dancing at Cloak and Dagger, making new friends, trying new recipes at home, and really just trying to nurture myself and grow. It nice to have some time off and just be, however I'm really happy to be back to blogging and can't wait to grow this space into something I can be really proud of. 

Until next time. 

xo

Playlist Dump

Really quick! There's more longer, quality-er content coming soon. I've been sick the past week. But, just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been listening to music or creating playlists. From January to April, here's a dump of some of the fun things I've been doing on Spotify. Feel free to follow me over there and be the first to know. Sharing music is definitely incredibly high up on my list of love languages. So, I really hope you guys enjoy these. xo.